pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now

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*Walks 500 miles

*Walks 500 more

*Is the guy who falls down at your door


*Gets no answer

*Realizes he should have called first


therapist: what do you see?

me: Snoopy

therapist: this one?

me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football

therapist: I see, and now?

me: Lucy moved the ball

therapist: wtf this is the wrong book


I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.


A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the other one.


*Playing catch*
*dad throws ball over fence*
“I’ll get it son!”
*25 years later*
“Wow he must’ve thrown it far”


[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there


If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.


You guys are even more beautiful now that I’m wearing my “wine glasses”.


I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.