Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@Scottzilla667

*Walks 500 miles

*Walks 500 more

*Is the guy who falls down at your door

*Knocks

*Gets no answer

*Realizes he should have called first

@pilau

therapist: what do you see?

me: Snoopy

therapist: this one?

me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football

therapist: I see, and now?

me: Lucy moved the ball

therapist: wtf this is the wrong book

@ilovepie84

I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.

@Fallun_Angel

A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the other one.

@yungsweater

*Playing catch*
*dad throws ball over fence*
“I’ll get it son!”
*25 years later*
“Wow he must’ve thrown it far”

@dafloydsta

[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there

@JustMeTurtle

If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.

@FreshTerritory

You guys are even more beautiful now that I’m wearing my “wine glasses”.

@caroljimenezz

i wish i had a cute laugh but instead i sound like a dying seal

@BrettDruck

I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.