FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
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*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
yeah no that’s fair
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”