@JervanF
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
@billwurtz
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
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@JervanF
@iGreenMonk
TV and the Internet are good because they keep stupid people from spending too much time out in public.
@joeljeffrey
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
@WilliamRodgers
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
@matt___nelson
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
@AndyAsAdjective
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
@AGreaterMonster
Someone stole my car from the Target parking lot, but fortunately they returned it at 11:00 pm when it was the only car left in the lot.
@ThisOneSayz
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
@HausOfAustin
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
@stockejock
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.