Me, as that guy from the Martian…
Day 1: I have enough food for 52 days
Day 2: I have enough food for 9 days
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
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Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
H: Please leave Home Depot.
Every political Facebook status should start with, “First of all, I have no idea what I’m talking about.”
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
*beats a guitar hero song on expert mode*
*changes Twitter bio to “musician/songwriter”*
I just saved a whole bunch of money on my car insurance by hacking into State Farm’s main server and deleting the 4 DUIs.
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
“u die if u don’t drink it”
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.