Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.

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Me, as that guy from the Martian…

Day 1: I have enough food for 52 days

Day 2: I have enough food for 9 days


Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.

Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.


H: Please leave Home Depot.


Every political Facebook status should start with, “First of all, I have no idea what I’m talking about.”


[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years


I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.


*beats a guitar hero song on expert mode*
*changes Twitter bio to “musician/songwriter”*


I just saved a whole bunch of money on my car insurance by hacking into State Farm’s main server and deleting the 4 DUIs.


[God making water]

“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what


ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.