Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.

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Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.


Trump is a plant by the NRA to make liberals want to shoot someone


I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.


Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!


[first day as a pharmacist]

CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.

ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..


My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk


VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me


idaho is my favorite state that sounds like a woman who’s comfortable with her own sexual indiscretions