Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.

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Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”

Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”


Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?

Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.


“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”


Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.

Riddler: Oh?

B: Notice anything different about me?


R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*


All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.

-lies parents tell themselves


A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.


I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone


My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.


My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.


Being popular on twitter is like being the keynote speaker at a Dementia Convention. No one remembers you the next day.