Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.

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I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…


I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.

I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?

I decided against all those options and took the ticket.


Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.


It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too


Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?


[Being Tortured]

Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?

Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee

Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant


Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!

Twitter: nope


The ability to ask different questions
See this is what we were talking about


My life long dream is to open a dominatrix theme Thai restaurant called

Thai Me Up.