In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
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HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
I gave my friend a gluestick instead of chapstick last weekend and she’s still not talking to me.
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
Control Freak. Now you say “Control Freak who?”
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
Shoutout to moms leaving long birthday notes to their kids on social media when their child is both illiterate and not on social media.
[my boss sees me get hit by a car in the parking lot] make sure you bring a doctor’s note if you’re gonna be late