@AngelaEhh

Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.

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@slackerjorge

In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.

Sure like to know that story

@2sassy4anyH

HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.

@RadOrDie

I gave my friend a gluestick instead of chapstick last weekend and she’s still not talking to me.

@NamestartswithZ

I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.

@VikeeysSecret

Knock knock

Who’s there?

Control Freak. Now you say “Control Freak who?”

@joejwest

BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula

@Iwriteforcats

Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.

@ValeeGrrl

Shoutout to moms leaving long birthday notes to their kids on social media when their child is both illiterate and not on social media.

@CornOnTheGoblin

[my boss sees me get hit by a car in the parking lot] make sure you bring a doctor’s note if you’re gonna be late