@AngelaEhh

Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.

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@mommajessiec

Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”

Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”

@causticbob

Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?

Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.

@ladybroseph

“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.

@UnFitz

Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.

Riddler: Oh?

B: Notice anything different about me?

R:

R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*

@OneFunnyMummy

All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.

-lies parents tell themselves

@Tachyon100

A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.

@KrissiBex

I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone

@Manda_like_wine

My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.

@freeDone01

My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.

@Freudianscript

Being popular on twitter is like being the keynote speaker at a Dementia Convention. No one remembers you the next day.