Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
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Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”