@dshack8

Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from women

Post-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon

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@Wine_Charmer

PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.

They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.

@TheAlexNevil

Bartender: This is from the woman at the end of the bar
*hands me her bill

@AbbieEvansXO

me: shoot for the moon

astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates

@Shenaniglenns

Stacy: Come over!

Me: Okay!

Stacy: My mom isn’t home.

Me: Nevermind.

@GrumpyBahr

CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!

Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!

@BigJDubz

Anaesthetist: Count back from 10

Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS

@sweetandweak

Him: my name is Robert but my friends call me Bob, you can call me whatever you like.
Me: Cool, nice to meet you Nachos.

@stephenjmolloy

“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”

Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”

@buhsbaby_baby

[before sex]

Just so you know.. I can only be on top cause’ I’m not gonna take my backpack off