Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
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Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon