PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
*Hates hearing “NO” from women
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
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Bartender: This is from the woman at the end of the bar
*hands me her bill
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
Stacy: Come over!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
Him: my name is Robert but my friends call me Bob, you can call me whatever you like.
Me: Cool, nice to meet you Nachos.
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
Just so you know.. I can only be on top cause’ I’m not gonna take my backpack off
Siri, fight Alexa.