[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
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This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
Skills
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
How I like cutting carbs
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.