[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
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My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.