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@FredTaming

who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure

@shatterpants

I hate when I wake up at night, look at the clock and go right back to sleep. Essentially my body is just waking me up to do math.

@AndyRichter

In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.

@Burnam1

Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…

Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.

@TheHatStore

[first day as a real estate agent]

me: as you can see this is a beautiful house

client: how many floors does it have

me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room

@tastefactory

BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail

@goolicker

There is a special place for people who leave long voicemails,

but until the ground thaws, they stay in the freezer.

@butterwolf

Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.