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who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure


I hate when I wake up at night, look at the clock and go right back to sleep. Essentially my body is just waking me up to do math.


In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.


Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…

Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.


[first day as a real estate agent]

me: as you can see this is a beautiful house

client: how many floors does it have

me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room


BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail


There is a special place for people who leave long voicemails,

but until the ground thaws, they stay in the freezer.


Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.