PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
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Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
See..?
.
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have