@imdaintyaf

Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen

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@StansaidAirport

Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.

@stephenjmolloy

Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.

Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.

Me: When hippos-

Date: Yeah, I heard…

@daemonic3

Is this your resume?

“Yep”

It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away

“Oh yes”

Welcome to UPS!

@AndyRichter

If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?

@Parkerlawyer

I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.

So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10

@BigJDubz

Wife – remember to compliment the host

[later]

Me – your wife is hot

@causticbob

What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.

@LionJenkins

Me: Doctor, it hurts when I go like this.

Doctor: You’re not doing anything. You’re just sitting there being alive.

Me: Exactly.

@KizerBillhelm

Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.

Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!