Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son

Me: I dunno probably street fighter

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I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?


Most laughs that you hear on TV shows today, were recorded in the 1950’s. Means, technically, you’re likely hearing dead people laughing.


My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.

Don’t be a poser bro


I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed


GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.


*boss at staff meeting*

Hey, do you have anything positive to add to this meeting?

Yeah, I just realized I can sleep with my eyes open.


I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.


A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends


Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)