Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
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I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”