@SvnSxty

Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son

Me: I dunno probably street fighter

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@AnExocticBeach

I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?

@FUN

Most laughs that you hear on TV shows today, were recorded in the 1950’s. Means, technically, you’re likely hearing dead people laughing.

@DrakeGatsby

My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.

Don’t be a poser bro

@pilau

I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed

@timdonakowski

GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.

@astutenewf

*boss at staff meeting*

Hey, do you have anything positive to add to this meeting?

Yeah, I just realized I can sleep with my eyes open.

@jellybnbonanza

I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.

@U_Want_Shum_M8

A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends

@FilthyRichmond

Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)