Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
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*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.