they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
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It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
doing your own taxes
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”