“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Preferred way to connect with me (ranked most to least):
2. Twitter DM
5. Climb through my window
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Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
You’ve been found guilty of murder in the 1st degree. Your sentence is 20 years of being trapped in a FB group message about a baby shower.
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.