Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
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I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
The Book. The Movie.
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine