@longwall26

Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”

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@myonlymizztake

Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.

@murrman5

[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah

@ThugRaccoons

God: *creates oceans*

Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL

God: Get out

@CamusOverEasy

If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.

@curlycomedy

Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.

@jergarl

I’d like to think I have a decent eye for fashion and my wife is like “OMG REMEMBER WHEN THAT HOBO PUT MONEY IN YOUR COFFEE LOL?”

@mikescollins

“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”

@imasmartass37

I caught someone stalking me so I stalked them right back.

It got awkward sitting in the same tree staring at each other.

@caithuls

‘Drinking water successfully’ is out

‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in