Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
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Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
My dad teaching me to drive
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one