@MaryKoCo

Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”

Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”

- @MaryKoCo

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@PaperWash

God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?

@Puercotron

[having sex with centaur]

ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*

@Jarhead44

Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.

@TheAdly

All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.

All the ones with all of the above are fictional.

@Shen_the_Bird

me: before you hire me, you should know i take things

interviewer: like what?

me: time and care

interviewer: oh haha

me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits

@abbycohenwl

[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!

@AceMakesWords

THIS LOOKS LIKE A JOB FOR… CLAUSTROPHOBIC MAN (runs into a phone booth) (runs out, crying) no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no n-