Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
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Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
My microwave beeps if I don’t open the door within 30 seconds of it stopping. I’m fat, microwave. I won’t forget there’s food in there.
In recent years the number of UFO sightings has dropped because of the smart phone. Their users never look up.
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
“Can’t argue with that!” he said, pointing to an inanimate object.