Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
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Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
Worst bar ever.
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there