@MaryKoCo

Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”

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@SharkJelly

Clark Kent “I have a confession”

Lois Lane “what is it?”

*Clark removes his glasses*

Lois “Is it a bird?”

Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”

@daemonic3

Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.

@squirrel74wkgn

[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]

“Take me to your leader”

[30 minutes later]

Me: So, this is my wife…

@orange_rhymer

[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-

@DallyDoll

My microwave beeps if I don’t open the door within 30 seconds of it stopping. I’m fat, microwave. I won’t forget there’s food in there.

@realHamOnWry

In recent years the number of UFO sightings has dropped because of the smart phone. Their users never look up.

@Cycloptomese

[hanging out in my basement]

Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.

Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.

@PLATINUM2000

Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.

@shelbyfero

“Can’t argue with that!” he said, pointing to an inanimate object.