Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
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Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
*pronounces surface like Versace*
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen