WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
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When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.