Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
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The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?