pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
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Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
“Huge”.
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.