pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
You Might Also Like
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
welp
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
iPhone X
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it