PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
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Raisins are grape jerky.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
i spent way too long on this
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
just witnessed a drug deal
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”