PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day

ME: Thanks, have a great baby

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[first date]

her: i love mysterious guys

him: good

me: [in the bushes] good


Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.


video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.


Women my age expect a man to have his shit together by now. Time to start dating younger women.


Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.

Me: So you have it too?


If you ever want to watch a women feel herself up for ten minutes, hide her cellphone.


They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.


Men that know the difference between moist and wet, know the difference between failure and success


My son loves lizard facts but he can’t quite say ‘lizard’ so he randomly makes statements like “Wizards protect themselves with camouflage”.


RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?

ME (has a degree in computer science): No