@QwertyJones3

PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day

ME: Thanks, have a great baby

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@ClichedOut

[first date]

her: i love mysterious guys

him: good

me: [in the bushes] good

@ilovepie84

Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.

@bobby

video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.

@Supafunkadunka

Women my age expect a man to have his shit together by now. Time to start dating younger women.

@JohnLyonTweets

Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.

Me: So you have it too?

@Phantasmagoriax

If you ever want to watch a women feel herself up for ten minutes, hide her cellphone.

@BrainFumbles

They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.

@ella__fraser

Men that know the difference between moist and wet, know the difference between failure and success

@iamspacegirl

My son loves lizard facts but he can’t quite say ‘lizard’ so he randomly makes statements like “Wizards protect themselves with camouflage”.

@caithuls

RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?

ME (has a degree in computer science): No