PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day

ME: Thanks, have a great baby

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Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.


Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.

Is that cheesecake?


Once upon a time, there was a monarch who was 13 inches tall.

He was a terrible king, but he made a great ruler


Me: No guts, no glory.

Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.


a professional thief tries to steal my wallet but i’m wearing skinny jeans so his hand just gets stuck in my pocket


[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger


[during sex]

her: hurt me

me: there’s only one season of firefly


Whoops, pizza sauce on my hands. Better wash this off with soap and water. Oh poop on my ass? I’ll just use this dry paper and call it good.


“Homie don’t fleek doe,” I say to a group of teenagers, hoping it means something.