PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day

ME: Thanks, have a great baby

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[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…


I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”

Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.


[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]

Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.

*Notices it’s February*



At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.


In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.


In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:

“You did the best you could.”


wife: the turn was back there

me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much

wife: my name is karen

me: ughh this is different, karen


God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.

Butterfly: please?

God: I can’t do it.

Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?

God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.

Butterfly: ok fine : (

Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.



Scientist: [*exits time machine*] “I did it! I visited the future”

Assistant: “What was it like?”

Scientist: “Do you like staring at rectangles?”


“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”

{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”