@QwertyJones3

PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day

ME: Thanks, have a great baby

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@theDanLawler

Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.

@Donna_McCoy

Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.

Is that cheesecake?

@farouq_yahaya

Once upon a time, there was a monarch who was 13 inches tall.

He was a terrible king, but he made a great ruler

@Darlainky

Me: No guts, no glory.

Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.

@ihateitmunky

a professional thief tries to steal my wallet but i’m wearing skinny jeans so his hand just gets stuck in my pocket

@GrantTanaka

[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger

@AbbieEvansXO

[during sex]

her: hurt me

me: there’s only one season of firefly

@michaeljhudson

Whoops, pizza sauce on my hands. Better wash this off with soap and water. Oh poop on my ass? I’ll just use this dry paper and call it good.

@novicefather

“Homie don’t fleek doe,” I say to a group of teenagers, hoping it means something.