Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
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Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
Once upon a time, there was a monarch who was 13 inches tall.
He was a terrible king, but he made a great ruler
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
a professional thief tries to steal my wallet but i’m wearing skinny jeans so his hand just gets stuck in my pocket
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
Whoops, pizza sauce on my hands. Better wash this off with soap and water. Oh poop on my ass? I’ll just use this dry paper and call it good.
“Homie don’t fleek doe,” I say to a group of teenagers, hoping it means something.