Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
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[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
Oceanography is all about current events
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice