Pregnant coworker with 3 children who always complains about money: When are YOU going to start having kids?
Me: When are you going to stop?

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If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.


me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*


her: have you tried mindfulness

me: dude my mind is like…the whole problem


There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.


I thought I was listening to a Maroon 5 song on the radio when I realized that the radio is off and I need to have my brakes changed.


Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace


Being a fat guy at McDonald’s is like being the muscle guy at the gym. People stay out of your way cause they know you mean business


I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.


ME: I had salmon for lunch.
WIFE: the L is silent.
ME: Ha, I knew that. I meant unch.