I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
You Might Also Like
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
Dyslexics are teople poo!
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree