@TheMichaelRock

Pregnant white women over 30 always buy the biggest SUV around, because you never know when you’ll give birth to half of a baseball team.

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@ErrenMichaels

The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.

@vaniaperruzza

When you ask me a question, would you prefer the blank stare or the eye roll as a response?

I like to be prepared.

@TCKMed

Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough.

@Lexactly

[Ouija board]
Spirits are you there?
U R C U T E D O Y O U H A V E K I K
*flips board*

@SuperJonny64

What idiot called them anti-anxiety meds instead of relaxatives?

@YourMomsucksTho

Is it really too much to ask for a pregnancy test commercial where the lady sees the two lines and starts laugh crying and the guy shits his pants?