Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
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some Old Testament wisdom
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
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