PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
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Hitlers gonna hitl
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
was Jim off killing horses or…
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.