*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
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i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
Oh thanks BBC.
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars