*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital

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[Phone Call]

Me: My hair has never been this long before

Her: How does it look?

Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…

Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…

Me: …with a big bald spot on top.


Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.


I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed


WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.


The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.


Losing weight

– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carried

– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried


Accidentally used 13’s shower gel, so I just copped a huge attitude, yelled at everyone and slammed some doors.


“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”


my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?

me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world

my mother: *staring at me just a beat too long*