@eddie_ferrero

pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?

me: herbert

pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-

me: himbert

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@DaddyJew

Please keep my son in your prayers, he walked out of the house with only 3% battery left on his kindle and judging by his reaction this is the end of the world. Prayers

@3sunzzz

My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.

@osigat

My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.

@MomofTeen

Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.

@sliver_of

Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.

@JamieGreenlees

Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.

@sarcastictroler

Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?

Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day

@hansabumsadaisy

#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.

So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.