spotify: hey remember those songs u played nonstop this year
spotify: are u sick of them
me: [nods] so sick of them
spotify: would u like to listen to all of them again 🙂
me: yes 🙂
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
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M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
Been planning to buy this ram since, but I’ve been procrastinating. Now I just found out the farmer already sold the animal to one boats man.
I’m finally ready to buy, but that sheep has sailed
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Batman: you absolute fool
At my age when I’m asked if I’m seeing someone I assume they mean a therapist
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
Sometimes I see a baby and think “Aww, I want one!” Then I find my TV remote in the fridge again and think “Yeah, maybe I’m not ready.”