@eddie_ferrero

pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?

me: herbert

pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-

me: himbert

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@leakypod

spotify: hey remember those songs u played nonstop this year

me: yes

spotify: are u sick of them

me: [nods] so sick of them

spotify: would u like to listen to all of them again 🙂

me: yes 🙂

@JohnLyonTweets

M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.

James Bond: I should use better what now?

@Alex_Houseof308

Been planning to buy this ram since, but I’ve been procrastinating. Now I just found out the farmer already sold the animal to one boats man.

I’m finally ready to buy, but that sheep has sailed

@ArfMeasures

Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired

Me: A rat becomes a chef

Movie Exec: ok

Me: A dog plays basketball

Movie Exec: Good

Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school

Movie Exec: Get out

@jokeymcjokeface

If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?

@curlymalloy

I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!

@LloBrow

Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me

Riddler: what’s your secret identity

Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot

Riddler:

Batman: you absolute fool

@Babasnookie

At my age when I’m asked if I’m seeing someone I assume they mean a therapist

@dave_cactus

ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.

@Schmoodles

Sometimes I see a baby and think “Aww, I want one!” Then I find my TV remote in the fridge again and think “Yeah, maybe I’m not ready.”