Please keep my son in your prayers, he walked out of the house with only 3% battery left on his kindle and judging by his reaction this is the end of the world. Prayers
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
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My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
With a name like butterflies you would think they would be fatter
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.
So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.