[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
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my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free