Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
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A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.