Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
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Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
i will not be silenced
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry