@ArfMeasures

[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunter

DAUGHTER: So I gather

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@KimmyMonte

*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*

@SoVeryBritish

“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”

<person doesn’t move an inch>

“Thanks”

@Axenbane

I would be completely shocked if I ever won the lottery. Mainly because I don’t play the lottery.

@sammyrhodes

Marriage is like wine. It gets better with age. Also it makes you say things you regret.

@rockymomax

[me as a magician]
*pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooOoOo
*pulls knife from hat*
A: ooOoOo
*pulls sautée pan from hat*
A: NNOOOOOO

@GuttaLikeNoOtha

One problem with autocorrect is that you always end up posting some thong that you didn’t Nintendo.

@ScottLinnen

Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together

@intellegint

Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun

@GibJimson

The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.

Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.

@WheelTod

We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation