[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunter

DAUGHTER: So I gather

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Daaaaamn boy. Are you an Adobe update? Cause you keep showing up and I still don’t want you.


“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall


*filling out preschool form*

1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.

2nd child: He knows all of the colors.

3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.


*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.


[Nature documentary]

Narrator: The average penguin typically reaches one metre in height.

Me: SHEILA! Remember that penguin we hit outside the convent?


*gives you dictionary for your birthday*

wow.. i don’t know what to say

“that’s why i bought it for you”



The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.


Tonight we dine in hell!
(Dies in battle)
Hi, Take a seat in the booth with the 3 vegans. Your beets and kale will be out soon.

Oh shit…