[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
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Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.