[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunter

DAUGHTER: So I gather

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*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*


“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”

<person doesn’t move an inch>



I would be completely shocked if I ever won the lottery. Mainly because I don’t play the lottery.


Marriage is like wine. It gets better with age. Also it makes you say things you regret.


[me as a magician]
*pulls rabbit from hat*
*pulls knife from hat*
A: ooOoOo
*pulls sautée pan from hat*


One problem with autocorrect is that you always end up posting some thong that you didn’t Nintendo.


Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together


Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun


The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.

Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.


We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation