Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
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First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.