Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
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If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
Yup.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
that’s really how it is
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.