Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
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Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”