Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
You Might Also Like
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
Just as the prophecy foretold
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it