My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
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I believe in “you’re stupid” at first sight.
ME: *releases kraken*
KRAKEN: *hesitates, looks back*
ME: go on you big dummy, get, go
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
Gf: come over
Me: can’t, playing the new call of duty
Gf: my parents are out of town
Me: you’re 30 years old, grow up
I always bring 2 pop tarts to work, so I can eat one now and the other one also now.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.