Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.

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I believe in “you’re stupid” at first sight.


ME: *releases kraken*
KRAKEN: *hesitates, looks back*
ME: go on you big dummy, get, go


Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now


MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single


passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture

incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED


Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan


Gf: come over
Me: can’t, playing the new call of duty
Gf: my parents are out of town
Me: you’re 30 years old, grow up


I always bring 2 pop tarts to work, so I can eat one now and the other one also now.


All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.