Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
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Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
still the best tweet of the year by far
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out