Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.

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Managing your weight around the holidays just requires a little planning..

For example, I took the batteries out of my scale on Wednesday.


My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.


[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car


I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank


A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.


If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.


2 year old runs naked down the street.


I run naked down the street.



There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.


Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.