Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
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I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”