@thedadonline

Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.

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@Shot_Of_Cabo

Managing your weight around the holidays just requires a little planning..

For example, I took the batteries out of my scale on Wednesday.

@nicfit75

My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.

@david8hughes

[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car

@causticbob

I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank

@Tmoney68

A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.

@junejuly12

If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.

@Brianhopecomedy

2 year old runs naked down the street.

“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”

I run naked down the street.

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

@wildvulture

There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.

@NicCageMatch

Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.