@nerdreign

Preparing a work evaluation for someone who adds shit to my day on a regular.

Wondering if “inbred whackadoodle” paints a full picture.

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@bjaynash

The only thing my girlfriend blows is everything out of proportion.

@Reel2Dialog2

[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms

@Tw1tter_K1tten

Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.

@WilliamAder

The shoulder belt retractor suddenly locked up this morning and now everyone in my car pool knows my safe word.

@TheDairylandDon

They say drugs will hurt your long term memory but I kind of take pride in needing to Google the proper spelling of “Bieber” every damn time

@Marlebean

Resistance training

But me dragging my kids into school.

@theshamingofjay

If you’re religious you dont get to pick & choose

“You shall not make for yourself an idol”

That Disney sticker means you’re going to hell