*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
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My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
Pot warmers of the day.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.