Preparing a work evaluation for someone who adds shit to my day on a regular.

Wondering if “inbred whackadoodle” paints a full picture.

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The only thing my girlfriend blows is everything out of proportion.


[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms


Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.


The shoulder belt retractor suddenly locked up this morning and now everyone in my car pool knows my safe word.


They say drugs will hurt your long term memory but I kind of take pride in needing to Google the proper spelling of “Bieber” every damn time


Resistance training

But me dragging my kids into school.


If you’re religious you dont get to pick & choose

“You shall not make for yourself an idol”

That Disney sticker means you’re going to hell