The only thing my girlfriend blows is everything out of proportion.
Preparing a work evaluation for someone who adds shit to my day on a regular.
Wondering if “inbred whackadoodle” paints a full picture.
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God: 8 arms
G: with suckie things
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
G: …I ate mushrooms
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
The shoulder belt retractor suddenly locked up this morning and now everyone in my car pool knows my safe word.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
They say drugs will hurt your long term memory but I kind of take pride in needing to Google the proper spelling of “Bieber” every damn time
Did Delilah ever tell that guy what New York City is like
But me dragging my kids into school.
If you’re religious you dont get to pick & choose
“You shall not make for yourself an idol”
That Disney sticker means you’re going to hell
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?