@mrjohndarby

[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at midday

chicken: gotcha

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@IchBin_Rob

People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”

@kieransofar

schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news

patient: what do they say?

schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live

patient: what’s the good news?

schrödinger: there isn’t any now

@joe_binkley

What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?

@HatfieldAnne

First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*

@JohnHilsen

Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.

@clichedout

HER: I love classic rock

ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon

@GimpySunshine

ran out of deodorant this morning, so I spritzed on some windex. Now birds keep crashing into my armpits 🙁

@KizerBillhelm

Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.

@zgbetty

The hardest part of parenting is standing idly by while your children build a mediocre couch fort.

@LackOfShame

I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.