[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
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[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
I love it all
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
A new level of troll.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
mood
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
Me checking my bank balance online.
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged