[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at midday

chicken: gotcha

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People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”


schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news

patient: what do they say?

schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live

patient: what’s the good news?

schrödinger: there isn’t any now


What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?


First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*


Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.


HER: I love classic rock

ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon


ran out of deodorant this morning, so I spritzed on some windex. Now birds keep crashing into my armpits 🙁


Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.


The hardest part of parenting is standing idly by while your children build a mediocre couch fort.


I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.