[preparing dinner]

Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking

Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly

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I like how some beatles songs sound like they’re written for children and other times they sing about heroin.


A manual RT is like saying “Hey check out this guy, but keep looking at my face. Please…don’t ever stop looking at my face…”


Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.


*kids walking

Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!

Kids: Okay!

*continue walking at exactly the same pace


ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust

SCIENTIST: I’m listening

ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant


The waitress asked if I was done with that, I said yes but I’m married to it.


villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.

me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]

[rain starts immediately]

[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]


If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader


Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.