@IvoryGazelle

[preparing dinner]

Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking

Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly

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@LoveNLunchmeat

I miss being a kid and playing cowboys and Indians. Now whenever I chase people around with a tomahawk I get arrested.

@ohpeetie

I feel sorry for kids today but mostly because their cartoons are terrible.

@lasergirl70

*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*

pfft… I could do it in 8

@fimoculous

When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.

@ShortSleeveSuit

WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?

ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling

@djr_102

I’m an okay dancer until I whip out the finger guns, then I’m just majestic.

@Matt_The_1st

Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one

@PaulyPeligroso

Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?