I only buy stuff I need on Amazon.
*Opens new metal detector*
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
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I like how some beatles songs sound like they’re written for children and other times they sing about heroin.
A manual RT is like saying “Hey check out this guy, but keep looking at my face. Please…don’t ever stop looking at my face…”
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
The waitress asked if I was done with that, I said yes but I’m married to it.
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.