[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
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There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
eggs benadryl
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
I’m being attacked 😭
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*