[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
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Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
Phew
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.