You never worry about the size of your doctor’s fingers until you need a rectal exam.
I know this now.
[preppin for rap battle]
*pops retainer out*
dont wanna give him any ammunition
*takes off suspenders*
that should do it
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[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
*an ad plays*
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
Seeing the leaves change in autumn always reminds me of my Grandpa. He died falling out of a tree too.
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
“Here’s what I would do…”
– me, giving bad advice