@hippieswordfish

[preppin for rap battle]
*pops retainer out*
dont wanna give him any ammunition
*takes off suspenders*
that should do it
*rollerblades away*

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@envydatropic

You never worry about the size of your doctor’s fingers until you need a rectal exam.

I know this now.

@OtherDanOBrien

[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*

@BucMarvin

It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.

Let’s pray for her.

@ericsshadow

Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?

@_ElvishPresley_

Priest: may God rest his soul

*casket begins to lower*

*I start clapping*

*everyone looks at me*

Me: sorry was that not the end of it

@KeetPotato

zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf

@thenatewolf

Seeing the leaves change in autumn always reminds me of my Grandpa. He died falling out of a tree too.

@Rollmaninoz

Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on