“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
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The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.