@MarkAgee

“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online

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@Home_Halfway

BARISTA: I have a latte ready for “Give me all your money?”

ROBBER: Oh goodness, this is so embarrassing, I see there’s been some confusion

@WowItsStephen

“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.

@kwirkyKerri

Even the coffee is leaving a bad taste in my mouth. Wait…am I being poisoned?

*drinks it anyway*

@tweetsbyrocket

me: how do i get a girl to like me

dad: make her feel wanted

{later}

me: [puts bounty on her]

@BillPelicanBros

Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.

@OctopusCaveman

A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want

@KeetPotato

[my first day as hand dryer salesman]
“this robot dries your hands with noise”

@amishschool

My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.

@AbbieEvansXO

Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts

Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren