@MarkAgee

“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online

“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online

- @MarkAgee

You Might Also Like

@OutOfLeftField_

Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.

@murrman5

*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*

@serenehavoc

When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.

@juliadavidovich

that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans

@DaddyJew

Judge: do you have a lawyer or will you be representing yourself?

Me: *adjusts tie* neither your honor

*a sock puppet slowly emerges from my briefcase*

@Tommytoughstuff

“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”

@Cheeseboy22

I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”

@toomanytoes

Judge: You need supervision.

Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.

@SatansTongue

*el chapo dies*
God: okay I’m gonna have to send you to hell
Chapo: ok
*3 weeks later*
Angel: El Chapo has escaped from hell

@skittle624

I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.