“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online

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BARISTA: I have a latte ready for “Give me all your money?”

ROBBER: Oh goodness, this is so embarrassing, I see there’s been some confusion


“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.


Even the coffee is leaving a bad taste in my mouth. Wait…am I being poisoned?

*drinks it anyway*


me: how do i get a girl to like me

dad: make her feel wanted


me: [puts bounty on her]


Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.


A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want


[my first day as hand dryer salesman]
“this robot dries your hands with noise”


My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.


Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts

Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren