“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
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I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.