Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.

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The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems


Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”


Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit


Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.


Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.

*Mr. Miagi on Twitter


If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.


You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body