The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
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Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
Happy birthday to all the women
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body