Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
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him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.