My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
Me: laser panther
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I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
If someone is making a proper fool of themselves, it’s best not to interfere.
GF – What’s that beeping?
Me – Fasten Seatbelt Alarm.
GF – How can you ignore something so annoying?
Me – Huh?
Me: Are these your kids?
She’s cheating on you..
Not entirely sure what a “propriate” is, but apparently I’m in it…
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!