Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob

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WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?

ME: Actually I think it was-

*cat makes throat slice gesture*

-the wind


Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial


[Hair Salon]

Stylist: What would you like?

Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.




[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*


Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.


Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.


[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*