[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
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When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
Bobby pin
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]