Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
Me: laser panther
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WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
the #horror is real!
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*