[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
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Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man