@TheMichaelRock

Prescription commercials are always so touching until the last minute or so when they explain how their product could kill you.

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@AshFrazier_

I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.

@Tmoney68

God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”

Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”

@schumoo

Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.

Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.

@cwhudson

[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips

@Jandalize

Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.

@SomeChrisTweets

HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP

@causticbob

Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.

@WilliamRodgers

Always be yourself…

Unless you run into one of your exes…

Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…

@suecorvette

me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point

waitress: oh thank god!

@ariscott

Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!