[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
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I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
Banking tips
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.